“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
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Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.