I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers