@ceejoyner: 75% of a Scandinavian park ranger's job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
@ceejoyner: Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras
@ceejoyner: (One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
@ceejoyner: a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
@ceejoyner: Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
@ceejoyner: wife: you're listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
@ceejoyner: Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."
@ceejoyner: 2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."
@ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.