Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ceejoyner's best tweets

@ceejoyner : One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you'll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

@ceejoyner: 75% of a Scandinavian park ranger's job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.

@ceejoyner: Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

@ceejoyner: (One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

@ceejoyner: a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back

@ceejoyner: Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@ceejoyner: wife: you're listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

@ceejoyner: Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm "NO."

@ceejoyner: 2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said "nice lumberjack costume."

@ceejoyner: Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.