I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.