Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
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My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.