@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That's the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
@cepheusjackson: SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
@cepheusjackson: ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
@cepheusjackson: [GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn't this incredible?
ME: It's ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don't want to talk about it
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: How's the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don't think he read it.
@cepheusjackson: [SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.