Funny Tweeter

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Page of cepheusjackson's best tweets

@cepheusjackson : ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight* MOM: *shouting* use your words! MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!

@cepheusjackson: MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That's the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work?

ME: I took care of it.

BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.

@cepheusjackson: SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

@cepheusjackson: ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I'm going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you're on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

@cepheusjackson: [GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn't this incredible?

ME: It's ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don't want to talk about it

@cepheusjackson: WIFE: How's the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don't think he read it.

@cepheusjackson: [SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It's a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.