[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
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Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
starting a garage orchestra
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Every. Damn. Time.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.