Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ch000ch's best tweets

@ch000ch : You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that's like 3 inches further away than you thought

@ch000ch: formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@ch000ch: me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

@ch000ch: waiter: have you decided

me: yes, we'll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds

my date, who is a raccoon: perfect

@ch000ch: God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ....ya

@ch000ch: 2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

@ch000ch: one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff's pool]

@ch000ch: when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out

@ch000ch: woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing

@ch000ch: Me: hands up, this is a robbery?

7-11 cashier:

Therapist: what did we talk about

Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.