honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking