@ch000ch: my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we're considering adopting
@ch000ch: u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse's life would literally be the same
@ch000ch: i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
@ch000ch: me: wtf how am i getting life in prison for running over an eagle with my car
my lawyer: again, that was the Philadelphia Eagles mascot
@ch000ch: ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
@ch000ch: date: why are u talking to me like i'm a news anchor
me: sorry i do it when i'm nervous. back to you, karen.
@ch000ch: wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like "u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth"