my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I’m already scared
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
They’re not wrong
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to