I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…