Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.