Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
You Might Also Like
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.