PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.