“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
#parenting
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia