Can we not just call it Zealand now?
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt