her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.