Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
You Might Also Like
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.