Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
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Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Brb my Sims are getting married
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.