A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
You Might Also Like
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever