Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
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Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Perfection.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Bread puns are on the rise!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.