Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
You Might Also Like
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Bootstraps
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
The Book. The Movie.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”