I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
If only.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now