wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
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Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.