and this one
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The legends speak of a third Duran…
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
With this onion ring, I thee fed
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy