This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
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Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
classic mixup
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?