“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
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Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife