EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
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If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.