It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through