@chuuew: DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
@chuuew: ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
@chuuew: ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes... Let me guess, they're the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
@chuuew: ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be... a red Lego
@chuuew: [the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here...?
@chuuew: I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like "well that's a releaf"
@chuuew: WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You're thinking of a sandwich
@chuuew: [after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish... I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I'm sure you did great son