@chuuew: ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn't you have written something new?
@chuuew: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
@chuuew: I tell people "I'm here to raise awareness" because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
@chuuew: WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn't eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
@chuuew: ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're trying to save lives
@chuuew: SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I... hate... being... stabbed...
@chuuew: [pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn't even know I was driving