Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : ME: I've got this nervous tick DR: Since when? ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July? MICK: [sweating] You said you'd do the talking

@chuuew: ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

@chuuew: ME: Table for 7 please

WAITER: Hahahahahahaha

ME: 7-p-m. Just me

WAITER: Okay that makes more sense

@chuuew: a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe

@chuuew: [comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What's the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

@chuuew: The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

@chuuew: [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

@chuuew: ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]


@chuuew: HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

@chuuew: Me: Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn't hear my extremely witty comment]