@chuuew : ME: I've got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you'd do the talking
@chuuew: ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
@chuuew: ME: Table for 7 please
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
@chuuew: a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
@chuuew: [comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What's the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
@chuuew: The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
@chuuew: [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
@chuuew: ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
@chuuew: HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
@chuuew: Me: Well, well, well. Look who's come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn't hear my extremely witty comment]