Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : Date: I can't believe you never saw titantic Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

@chuuew: ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn't you have written something new?

@chuuew: [first day as hotdog vendor] I'm sorry, these are not for sale

@chuuew: POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

@chuuew: DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

@chuuew: I tell people "I'm here to raise awareness" because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

@chuuew: WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn't eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

@chuuew: ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we're trying to save lives

@chuuew: SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I... hate... being... stabbed...

@chuuew: [pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn't even know I was driving

COP: Out