Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : HER: OMG Thats not going to fit HIM: Just relax. I'll go slow HER: If you're sure... HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

@chuuew: ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here's an umbrella

ME: Yes. I've seen one before.

@chuuew: ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can't we just buy an umbrella?

@chuuew: I tell people "I'm not looking for anything serious" because I'm hunting clowns.

@chuuew: TEACHER: Have you got anything for today's palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I'm mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I'll ask someone else

@chuuew: [first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

@chuuew: ME: Hi, I've got my hearing test today

LAWYER: I keep telling you it's not a test

@chuuew: [emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you've swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it's what's on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

@chuuew: [Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don't do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don't
M: birds of pray?

@chuuew: [invention of surfing]

"Stand on this wood so sharks don't eat you"