Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength? ME: I think it's pretty obvious INTERVIEWER: Right... And you made that ninja turtle costume at- ME: At home. Yes

@chuuew: DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

@chuuew: Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I've never seen Han so low.

@chuuew: ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

@chuuew: ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes... Let me guess, they're the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

@chuuew: ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be... a red Lego

@chuuew: [the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here...?

@chuuew: I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like "well that's a releaf"

@chuuew: WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You're thinking of a sandwich

@chuuew: [after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish... I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I'm sure you did great son