Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of chuuew's best tweets

@chuuew : [gets anchor tattoo removed] Oh dear [slowly floats towards the sun]

@chuuew: ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

@chuuew: ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There's only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

@chuuew: I'm so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

@chuuew: [spider walking into spinning class] What's up with the bikes?

@chuuew: [creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless...
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!

@chuuew: N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

@chuuew: ME: sorry boss, can't come in today. i'm sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed - smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

@chuuew: Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

@chuuew: 8y/o: What's sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn't know. Pay up