Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: