My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
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Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The game has officially changed 😎
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad