This is painfully accurate 😅
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She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am