*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
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Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.