Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
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I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
I hate everything
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Air conditioning – not a fan
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.