I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
this will hang in the louvre one day
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART