I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
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Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Is your wife single?
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
3% human
97% stress