Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
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Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Autocorrect completely socks
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin