Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!