If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]