I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
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When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.