When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
More like Kate Missington.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Gross if literal…Liverpool
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.