Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of cluedont's best tweets

@cluedont : Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there's pickletits at the end.

@cluedont: My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

@cluedont: You don't fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

@cluedont: I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there's no need.

@cluedont: If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business.

@cluedont: If I was Phil Collins I'd rub my belly after every meal and say 'I'm Full Collins', then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.

@cluedont: Why does my wife always wait until I'm at the opposite end of the house before asking me to 'Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!'?