[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
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When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Who.
Did.
This?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.