Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
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I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you