i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
is this store having a stroke wtf
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…