Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
You Might Also Like
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.