“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time