Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
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It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday