My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you