Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
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Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
They’re stuck in your pants?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.